identity & motherhood

if i'm being honest, i was terrified of how my whole world was going to turn upside-down by having a baby.

goop did an excellent podcast last year that really spoke to me when i was struggling with my identity after i found out that i was going to be a mother. the podcast was an interview with dr. catherine birndorf where she talked about the shift in identity once you become a mother and what is missing. this podcast put all the words into my head of what i was thinking, but didn't realize i was thinking as i began preparing and reflecting on having a baby.

along with identity, i also struggled with body image and what all that would entail in my postpartum journey. this is vain, but i'll say it anyway: one of the many reasons i was nervous about having a baby was losing the body i had worked so hard to get.

let's start at the beginning. in december 2017 i was offered a new job at a thriving tech company. i was so excited about the opportunity, location, and increase in salary. i started said job at the end of january 2018. two weeks later, on february 4, i found i was having a baby. i was left saying 'ummmmmmm ok now what??'

i do think because caleb and i were not necessarily trying to have a baby, there was definitely part of me that was left selfishly thinking why this had to happen now and focused on all of the negative aspects that a baby would bring to my life. i soon discovered that other women felt this way, but never talked about it. when girlfriends would text and ask how i was feeling in the middle of my pregnancy, i'd be honest with them and say 'i'm feeling great physically. emotionally.... i'm not sure i'm ready to take all of this on.' and their response, usually, would be that they had the same feelings when they were pregnant with their first baby.

i wish women would talk more about how it is inevitable that your identity, status, focus, priorities, marriage/relationships... they all change after a baby.

but i promised myself that i wouldn't change. i promised i would still travel. still have a life. i would go out with friends or have friends over. date nights were sure as hell happening -- i was not about to lose my marriage because of this! i was literally going to FIGHT to keep my life as similar as possible. because i knew my life was good and i liked my life. it would just have a baby now. that's all. no big deal. it will be hard, but i will do everything i can to not lose what i know.

after the baby was born, this really weird thing happened.

no, i didn't just magically fall into a bliss of rainbows and cupcakes and have all the feels and love and obsession over my baby. i actually had this weird fear of how much i cared for this little baby. it was intense and unlike anything i'd ever felt. it's a different feeling that you have towards your spouse. it's this instinct where i became a protector and warrior for this baby. i had been so so adamant that nothing would change and i would be chill with my baby and not a nervous overbearing mom. and i will say, i do pride myself in how i was (and still am) a generally relaxed mom. but, there is a constant almost humming in my soul of being a guardian and champion for my baby that clicked on when the baby was born.

this feeling was there all along just waiting to be used. and now it never turns off. it doesn't stress me out. the feeling sits with me and it will sit with me forever. i didn't know it was there before becoming a mom. i didn't have a mothering or nurturing aura about myself. i have talked to moms who say that they just couldn't wait to have a baby and become a mom. that was never me. i was totally freaked out and a ball of nerves when i thought about becoming a mom.

but now that i'm hear i can say it's 100% the hardest thing i've ever done. it's also 100% the best thing i've ever done. i never expected to laugh as much as i do now that i'm a momma. and i also didn't expect how much deeper my relationships with other women who have children would become.

i am grateful for motherhood and all that it has taught me in the last year. everything from pregnancy to having a baby. when i look back, it's truly shocking how far i've come.

i am proud of myself. slightly surprised how well it's gone. and i am so grateful.